MARRIAGE SEMINAR & WORKSHOP – LESSON 1

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Section 1 – THE HISTORY OF MARRIAGE

Who was the first to speak marriage into existence?

Genesis 2:18-25

“Yahweh God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Out of the ground Yahweh God formed every animal of the field, and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. Whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock, and to the birds of the sky, and to every animal of the field; but for man there was not found a helper suitable for him.

Yahweh God caused a deep sleep to fall on the man, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs,  and closed up the flesh in its place. He made the rib, which Yahweh God had taken from the man, into a woman, and brought her to the man.

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She will be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh. They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

God took the dust of the ground to make Adam, but Eve was made from Adam’s rib.  Women are like a rib, they are designed by God to support man.  Adam was called ‘adam’, defined as; red, to be flush, rosy, to show blood in the face.  Eve’s first description (vs 18) in the Hebrew is “ezer-neged”, defined as a suitable opposite.  Woman was made to be opposite, having a different function and viewpoint from the man.

Eve’s generic name is given (vs 22) for her gender as a woman, “ish-ah”, and the word ishah, describes a female as naturally being in a relationship with a man.  Adam is called, “adam” to say his name as a noun, or “ha-adam”, to call him of the species or genesis of man. But, something dramatic happens in verses 23 and 24, when Adam begins to talk about Eve.  (I put the Hebrew words in these verses for clarity.)

“The man (adam) said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She will be called Woman (Ish-ah), because she was taken out of Man(Ish).” This is amazing, because now man no longer needs to be alone; he also is called into a relationship by marriage with a woman.  This drive to be married is part of our DNA and was designed by God; it is not a result of evolution, nor an invention of religion. All creation, and all mankind; operates by this drive, this desire, and this restlessness to have a lifetime mate.

Ancient Marriage

In the early stages of creation and the first 1500 years of life on Earth, man was always designed to have only one wife, and the woman was only designed to have one husband. Like Adam and Eve, most couples in history have not had the opportunity to choose a mate, but rather, the parents of the families, acting in the same way God first acted, arrange marriages for their children. The marriage then becomes an act of obedience and a work of love.   Eve did not pick Adam, Esther did not pick King Ahasuerus (Esther 2:7), and Joseph did not pick Mary.

Matthew 1:24

“And Joseph awoke from his sleep and did as the angel of Yahweh commanded him, and took Mary as his wife…”

In ancient marriages, the engagement process was sometimes started with a broker.  First, the marriage would be arranged, and a “match” would be found.  Then there was a date set for the wedding.  Ancient marriages were also quite a ceremony. Both the husband and wife exchanged marital contracts.  The terms of the contract were given in detail, i.e., dowry, or payment by the bride’s father to the groom.  There would be some proof of chastity, and a condition clause should they divorce.  A husband could not arbitrarily divorce her.  Another condition of the marriage contract was fulfillment of their marital responsibility to each other. This is still a condition today as outlined by the apostle Paul in I Corinthians 7.

Section 1 – QUESTIONS

1. Who invented marriage? __________________________________________________________
2. Man and woman were made the same way by God. True or False? __________
3. Women were made after Day 6 of creation.  True or False? ________
4. Marriage contracts are a new 20^th century invention.  True or False? ________
5. Joseph married Mary because God told him to do it.  True or False? _______
6. Women are supposed to be exactly like as a man in all their thinking.  True or False? ______
7. Adam was awake and watched God make the woman.  True or False? ______

Section 2 – YOUR STORY – WHAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU TO EACH OTHER

God designed us in His image and in His design.  He is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  We are spirit, soul, and body.  We are made in three parts as God Himself is in three parts.  When we talk about attractiveness, and what that means, we must first understand that we are attracted to our mate on multiple levels, spirit, soul, and body.  To say that only physical attributes captured our attention is short-sighted, and a little youthful. We sense things concerning our future mate on a myriad of levels. 

To add to that mix, God the Father has had a plan to get you a spouse, and in doing so, He has had His angels maneuvering your actions so that you come into contact with one another.  So, unless you found your mate through an arranged marriage, your senses had something to do with you being attracted to your spouse. 

List 7 Things that first attracted you to your spouse (or your intended).  If you are unattached, list the things you hope to see in your spouse.  (3 min)

1.___________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________________________________

6. ___________________________________________________________________

7. ___________________________________________________________________

Wait for discussion to continue.

List 3 Things that STILL EXCITE YOU ABOUT YOUR MATE!  (2 min)

1.___________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________

Now share ALL 10 things with your spouse. (3 min)

Section 3 – MARRIAGE & SPIRITUAL WARFARE

All of the proper operation of society is based on marriage, children and fostering up the next generation of parents.  The biggest hindrance to a secure society is the breakdown of the marriage covenant.  Where divorce is forbidden, society does better as a whole, and where divorce is encouraged, society will decay and eventually fail.

Satan is opposed to marriage, because it is a large part of God’s design for humanity.  If God is for it, Satan will naturally be against it.  So, it is no wonder that marriages are failing in America. Satan hates law and order, and a society based on the practicality of marriage will stay strong. 

There are a number of things that keep marriages from working well, and I’ll deal with them in this section.

INEXPERIENCE and IMMATURITY

What makes young marriages work is the same thing that makes those marriages break up, that is, inexperience in being in a relationship, and the responsibility it requires out of young adults.  Immaturity means that one spouse will want to dominate a conversation or topic, and never be able to come to a place mentally where they stop, listen, and learn.

The first rule of marriage is, get married.  The second is, stay married.  At all costs, stay in your marriage.  Never use the “D” word, divorce.  Words have power, and you may prophecy your own marital demise by using it.  Don’t throw the D word out in your arguments with each other, or with your girlfriends or buddies. 

Malachi 2:13-16,

“This again you do: you cover the altar of Yahweh with tears, with weeping, and with sighing, because He doesn’t regard the offering any more, neither receives it with good will at your hand. Yet you say, ‘Why?’ Because Yahweh has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion, and the wife of your covenant.  Did He not make one, although he had the residue of the Spirit? Why one? He sought a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.  ‘For I hate divorce,’ says Yahweh, the God of Israel, ‘and him who covers his garment with violence!’ says Yahweh of Armies. ‘Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you don’t deal treacherously.”’

In order for your marriage to work, you will have to follow the Godly principles laid out in the word of God.  Yet, few today realize that concept, and as a result, both parties become stubborn and dig their heels in over the most mundane of disagreements.

 Ephesians 5:22-31

“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.”

Most marriages flourish or struggle on one main issue, with smaller ones added to it. It could be financial, or stress, or infidelity, or drugs and alcohol; but the main issue in a marriage is obedience to God’s word (as shown above).  Most modern women do not know how to submit to their husband’s authority, in fact, most have never heard about it.  Our modern society has attempted to erode the difference between the sexes, and by doing so, have removed the proper headship of the male in the marriage relationship. Here is Jesus’ position on divorce.

Matthew 19:3-9,

“Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?”

And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, ‘FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’?  So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

“They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?

He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.  And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Don’t ever use the D word, ever.  Your marriage is fixable, I’ll guarantee it.  There is always another way.  Divorce affects more than just yourself and your spouse.  I will explain this in depth later.

As a result of the modern empowerment of women, we have seen marriages pulled apart, and many do not know why it is happening.  “What’s wrong with my marriage?”, many women ask, and yet this key of seniority is often ignored.  Let’s look at a list of indicators of marriage blockers in scripture.

Proverbs 12:4, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.”

The word “excellent” in the Hebrew means virtue, valor, or strength.

Proverbs 19:13-14, “A foolish son is destruction to his father, and the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping. House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from Yahweh.”

Proverbs 21:9,19, “It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman…It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.”

Proverbs 25:24, “It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”

Proverbs 27:15-16, “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike; he who would restrain her restrains the wind, And grasps oil with his right hand.”

Women are equally responsible to make the marriage work and are capable of destroying their relationship with their husband completely on their own. 

So, two pivotal issues are destroying marital bliss, and that is 1) Not getting married before living together, and 2) not knowing about the headship that God has provided in the relationship between men and women. Other problematic issues are the handling of the finances jointly and infidelity.  Those we will deal with later.

In today’s America, long-term marriage is becoming an idea of the past, and many in their thirties and forties have never witnessed a marriage that lasts.  So, they naturally do not have the tools, skills, and training to walk out a marriage.  They wrongly believe that this is somehow a man-made concept, so one can choose to be in it or not.  There is no connection to their thinking from history, or a pathway to their own future.  Nothing!  There is nothing for them, except an instinct to make the marriage work, at least for a while.  Society, movies, books, the internet, all have wrong advice for the biggest of all of your life’s contracts, marriage.

Discuss these following ideas with your mate.

1. Who should be the head of the house?
2. Do men respond well to criticism or is it only women that get offended?
3. Are there things in your relationship that you could change right away?

Write 5 things that you each could begin to do, to improve your marriage.  (3 min)

1.___________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________________________________

Section 4 – THE 80/20 RULE

One thing that is common in new and young marriages is the thought, “I’m doing all the work here”. In reality, that is a mirage, and not really the truth.  An outsider looking at your marriage would be able to point that out, that the workload is being equally divided.  Here is a good way for you to reevaluate that position, by using the 80/20 RULE.

Start looking at your value in a relationship as you doing 80 percent of the work and your mate doing only 20 percent.   The skills and benefits of being married are vast, and the very first one is this; WHAT DO YOU BRING TO THIS RELATIONSHIP?  Marriage is about serving not taking. Marriage is providing what is missing for the benefit of your spouse and their family. You plan on giving of yourself 80 percent of the love, nurturing, finances, work, cooking, laundry, etc. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?  And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.”

If you were living alone, how hard would it be to do 80 percent of what is necessary for you  to provide for and live comfortably?  Well, you actually would have to do 100% of all the required laborious tasks, wouldn’t you?  Marriage has the benefit of doubling the effort without doubling the expenses and upkeep.

Name 5 things that you bring to this marriage.  (If you are unattached, list the things you believe you will bring.)  (3 min)

1.___________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________________________________

Name 5 things that your spouse brings to this marriage.  (3 min)

1.___________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________________________________

Section 5 – DATING YOUR SPOUSE AGAIN

Chivalry, noun, defined:

“very polite, honest, and kind behavior, especially by men toward women, the system of behavior followed by knights in the medieval period of history, that put a high value on honor, kindness, and courage”.  Chivalry has changed in definition since the 12^th century.  Today it means to be polite as a man, and to hold all things feminine on a high level of esteem.  It means that men to should be polite to all women as a rule of honor.

Dating and courtship is how you won your spouse, and it should be used to continually court your spouse.  Dating is not about the destination, but about the journey.  The cost of the restaurant is not as important as the respect that is shown to each other.  Here is my list of “dos and don’ts” for dating your spouse again.

DATING RULES

1. Have a regular date night or day, weekly or monthly, depending on your schedule. Both of you should plan for the date well ahead of time; with it, building anticipation and embracing unity.
2. Where?  Dates can be shopping for groceries or tools, but it is better to set aside time for a dinner or a day trip.  If you have young children, the beach, zoo, or museum can serve as a date day.
3. Mix it up and plan ahead!  Be creative about a date day or night date. Get your hair done and get a haircut.  Allow plenty of time for the day or night, get home early, fill the tank, and plan on being ahead of time, not behind time.  Being rushed will rob you of the romance that the date will bring to both of you. 
4. On date night or day, take a shower, shave, wash your hair, dress in your best dinner clothes and dress only for your spouse, limiting what may be called sensual or inappropriate clothing for a married couple.  Buy flowers if it is a special occasion and buy them when it is not.  Flowers can make any date a hit.
5. Men – Wash your car, vacuum it, clean the windows, shine the rims, and make it like you are about to sell it.  Warm it up or cool it down 10 minutes in advance.
6. When leaving your home, men, you close the door of your home behind her, walk her to the car, and open the door for her, and when she is properly seated, close the door for her, no matter the weather.
7. Drive with soft and low music, if at all.  Have a plan that both of you discuss non-contrary things, and make sure that no arguments break out.  Women now must be demure, polite, and maybe less in charge.  Do not be silent.  Ask about each other’s day and keep the tone positive.
8. When you arrive, the man does everything.  Open her door first, then unpack if required.  At wherever, both insist that doors will be opened by the man, and dinner arrangements made at the desk by the man.
9. Men, insist on seating her, and not the waiters or host.  Then take your seat.  If you can, mute your phones and do not use them as a spacer in between your conversations.  The date is all about the other person.  Use table manners and use this opportunity to practice them.  Place your napkin on your leg, hold stemware at the stem.  Let the man take the check and pay the bill.
10. Important!  If alcohol is consumed, plan in advance to get a DD, a designated driver. 1 Timothy 5:14, “give the enemy no occasion for reproach.”
11. Any time that you are out with your spouse, dress well, fitting the environment.  If the park, clean hiking clothes, if church, the best you have, if to friends, only clothing that would impress your mate.  Dress to impress your spouse only!

Ten Commandments of Chivalry[1]

Pioneering French literary historian Léon Gautier compiled what he called the medieval Ten Commandments of chivalry in his book La Chevalerie (1884)

1. Thou shalt believe all that the Church teaches and thou shalt observe all its directions.
2. Thou shalt defend the Church.
3. Thou shalt respect all weaknesses, and shalt constitute thyself the defender of them.
4. Thou shalt love the country in which thou wast born.
5. Thou shalt not recoil before thine enemy.
6. Thou shalt make war against the infidel without cessation and without mercy.
7. Thou shalt perform scrupulously thy feudal duties if they be not contrary to the laws of God.
8. Thou shalt never lie, and shalt remain faithful to thy pledged word.
9. Thou shalt be generous and give largesse to everyone.
10. Thou shalt be everywhere and always the champion of the Right and the Good against Injustice and Evil.

PDA

PDA means public displays of affection.  This could be kissing in public, but that might embarrass others if you’re doing too much of it.  PDA would include hand-holding, arm holding, walking closely, and other touch related acts.  Touching has many psychological benefits for mental and physical health.  Going to the mall? Then hold hands.  Walking down the street? Do it arm in arm.  Touch each other regularly, and appropriately for the time and location. 

Section 6 – HOMEWORK- WEEK 1

Here is your daily homework to practice as a couple for the next 7 days.

1.  Pray the Our Father daily together. Although not discussed yet, the family that prays together stays together.  Then pray for other things as well.
2. Plan and execute a date.
3. Compliment each other at least 3 times a day.
4. Fulfill your marriage duties.
5. Do one job in the house every day that you have never done much of before.
6. Tell your spouse daily that you love him/her.

Practice PDA daily, and let your kids see it!

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chivalry