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Healing, Wooing and Intimacy
Section 6.1 – Healing Past Hurts

“Jesus answered them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the Son does remain forever. So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.’”
John 8:34-36
Love, intimacy and romance are not the same. Love is a decision, intimacy is based on trust, and romance is the occasional icing on the cake. Intimacy is the greatest achievement in any marriage. Intimacy involves honesty and truth, earned over a period of time. Intimacy reveals the inner workings of your mind to one another. The only other person that has the right to intimacy is your spouse, not the guys you work with, or the girls you are friends with, and certainly not with someone of the opposite sex. In this intimacy you get to discover and peek into the real mind and heart of one another. Part of that discovery is the history of how you came to be who you are right now. Intimacy can only be built on the truthfulness of your relationship. Here’s a surprise for you; men reveal too much, women rarely reveal anything at all. In order for intimacy to grow, barriers have to be broken down to distribute the growth of the relationship properly.
Everyone has a history. When we look around, we think we are seeing other families with having a typical American home life, one that is rosy and clean. There is no such thing as a perfect life and a classic marriage and family. We all have histories. What people see on the outside may not be as the marriage really is.
The worst results of your history takes place in the present, appearing to reject the very good you have been hoping for and dreaming about. There is a blindness that occurs with most of these same people, who say something like this, “I’m not rejecting this good thing, I’m just trying to fix it.”
Who you are now is a result of your upbringing and your adult life and your experiences. That soup is called your life, and it is what makes you, uniquely you. That history, positive or negative as it might have been, can make your marriage great, or break it all to pieces. A great upbringing and a perfect home, may not have prepared you for real life and real experiences. You may not recognize some potholes in your approach to your marriage that many others around you see. These potholes you may not be aware of, and as a result, they may be delaying or destroying the very thing that God has provided for you, to live with and live for.
You have been freed from your past and the cruel damage that it once had done. Not just the sin, but the scars left on your personality. One typical scar is that many have lowered their expectations and given up on a better life. Once God is allowed to reign in a marriage, He begins to put people back together. Once He has been allowed to speak to your heart, if you’ve had a tumultuous upbringing or previous relationships and marriages, He starts to bring little victories into your life. These victories bring hope and healing and begin to change you from the inside out. Those little victories are the steppingstones to your deliverance from your past, and the road to a better you. In 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18 we find a proper way to act in everything we do, including being thankful for the things that we do have.
“See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
In everything give thanks. God is searching for the thankful person. Those historically who cannot find good to be thankful for are doomed to be rejected by God. Can you be trusted with small steps rather than large ones? To find out, the test is if you are thankful for the small daily ones now. If you can miss the small victories, God does not yet know if you also will disregard the larger ones when they happen. Rather than being thankful and happy for the smaller daily victories, many instead believe that they will finally be happy when some big dream comes to pass. It’s not the destination, but the journey, that God uses to bring you into a good place.
In James 1:2-4 we read,
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
Trials are a way of God maturing you and growing you up. Look at how young children mature. Walking, falling and getting up again, is part of their growth process. Concerning marriage, it’s normal to have mistakes and failures be part of yours. It is called “failing up”. It’s proof that God’s blessing is on you, and that He has a future full of hope for the both of you.
Surprisingly, most people at first reject the goodness right in front of them for a variety of strange reasons. The biggest reason by far is immaturity in what a real marriage looks like. In addition, there could be a number of other negative viewpoints on this new blessing called “marriage”. 1) I am not worthy, or 2) this is not what I was hoping for or what I thought that my marriage would look like. In either case, the results are equally the same; the rejection of the very thing that is about to heal you and put your life into a semi-normal (whatever that is) pattern of growth as a Christian. There might be one or more key ingredients of God which are yet undeveloped in you. They are – Grace and Forgiveness and Mercy.
Look at this viewpoint found in 2 Corinthians 6:1-2,
“And working together with Him, we also urge you not to receive the grace of God in vain; for He says, ‘AT THE ACCEPTABLE TIME I LISTENED TO YOU, AND ON THE DAY OF SALVATION I HELPED YOU.’ Behold, now is ‘THE ACCEPTABLE TIME,’ behold, now is ‘THE DAY OF SALVATION’”.
You may not know that you are carrying a lot of baggage (rejection, distrust, destructive habits, carelessness, promiscuity, pain and anger, just to mention a few) concerning your past. In fact, you may be so hardened to the world in general, not knowing that God wants to heal you from the scars of abuse, past mistakes and past hurts. God says that you can be free of that. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul tells us the value of grace.
“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”
Grace is the power to carry on, forgiveness is the act of leaving the past behind, mercy is the hope for a positive future judgment. The phrase ‘receiving the grace of God in vain’, tells God that the power of grace from Him, will go unused and that it has been given ‘to no purpose’. If you are someone that has not forgiven yourself, or someone else, those emotions will carry that into your ‘now’. This is true for everyone. The single person who carries these traits, will also have a difficult time in every relationship. If you have not regularly practiced the actions of grace, mercy and forgiveness onto your soul, then you have not come into contact with the presence of God. Mercy, grace and forgiveness have the power to heal you of things that you are probably unaware of. This is why Jesus said in Mark 11:25,
“Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.”
Love is in God, grace is in God, forgiveness is in God. God is the first cause of all three .
In Workshop #5, we found that there are many forms of communication and talking is only one of them. Everyone in marriage communicates, whether they are expressive talkers or not. The key to an effective marriage is to understand that you are always communicating something! You cannot help that or conceal it in your communication.
If you have not forgiven yourself of your past, or those who have harmed you in the past, then more than likely you are injecting and projecting that “unreleased thing” into your current marriage or relationships. Millions of Americans seek professional help every year to reduce the trauma of a mistake or a poor upbringing. Signs of this are lack of personal investment, bouts of anger, making up reasons to quit, mentally forming exit strategies, general malaise, and depression. Like the old song says, “You don’t know what you got until it’s gone…” applies here. You can be so blinded by these attitudes that you cannot see you are trying either to destroy your marriage, or erecting walls around yourself to prevent being harmed by the marriage. These walls destroy compatibility and trust and forces your mate to question your desire to have a good relationship.
Either way, God wants to love on you and to fix you, so that you can have as close to a normal relationship and life as possible. Your spouse is not your problem, life is. When you have expectations for failure, you end up communicating that on every level and in every facet of your relationship and life. Note here: Nothing in your future is going to get better next time. God wants you to have this time to learn His ways of grace towards yourself and forgiveness towards yourself. When you begin to practice that, then your current circumstances and marriage will immediately begin to look better and brighter.
Nothing changes overnight with the weights of the past. The first step is to recognize that your past life or childhood may have something to do with your current thoughts and behaviors. So let’s start there. Don’t let this spiritual thing called GRACE be given to you in vain (unused, untested, or unappreciated).
Philippians 3:13-14, “Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
Section 6.1 – TRUE OR FALSE QUESTIONS
- The way to get over the past is to “just get over it”. True or False? _______
- History is full of success stories of people that had a rough beginning. True or False? _______
- Projecting your past into your present is setting up and expecting the same things to repeat themselves again in your life. True or False? _______
- Those who forget or ignore the past are doomed to repeat it. True or False? _______
Section 6.1 – DISCUSSION
This is a good time to air out behaviors that are affecting the marriage that you should be informed about. Intimacy begins with honesty and truthfulness. If you have been hardened or numbed by your past, write three things here that you might want to reveal to your spouse or intended. Then discuss. Be sure to forgive yourself and let God heal you. (5 mins)
1. _____________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________
Talk with your partner about communicating on how they react to certain conversations. Are you trying express your history or are you reliving your past hurts? How is your history affecting anger issues? Have an open discussion. Make notes about what things you might be able to improve on. (3 min)
- ___________________________________________________________________________
- ___________________________________________________________________________
Who is better at verbal communication and why? Are you able to talk and communicate ideas clearly? Discuss now. (2 min)
- ___________________________________________________________________________
Have you been able to recognize when your spouse is hurting, and without them requesting it, you brought them comfort?
- ___________________________________________________________________
Section 6.2 – Wooing Your Spouse
Wooing defined: trying to gain the love of (someone), especially with a view to marriage. “He wooed her with quotes from Shakespeare.”
Love is a curious thing. In 1 John 4:7-8 we read,
“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”
There are two types of love described here. The first love is from the heart, the second love is in the form of an action. The Greek words behind the verses above are, Agape and Agapao. Agape is the contract to love. God is Agape, He has love in His heart as part of His being and nature. When He demonstrates His love for us, He is showing Agapao. Agape love is the decision to love, Agapao love is the demonstration to love. Further on in 1 John 4:11 we read,
“Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”
Here it says that if God has agapao (the public demonstration of love) for us, we should have agapao (the public demonstration of love) for each other. We can love because God has put love into us. God demonstrated His love by sending Jesus to the cross, God demonstrated His love for Israel by delivering them from the hands of the Egyptians, and God loves us now by His Spirit, by angelic protection and by answering our prayers. Since we have seen His love, we know that we can demonstrate our love to each other.
Your marriage to your spouse was your certificate of love (agape) to each other, certifying the contract of love. But God wants you to demonstrate your love for each other (agapao). How do we do that?
This public demonstration of love is not to be conditional, that is, just when you feel like it, or when everything is running smoothly. Quite the opposite, these public demonstrations of love should appear in your marriage at difficult and stressful times. Compare agapao love to giving gifts at other times of the year. Does gift giving make you feel good about yourself? Of course it does. There is a playful release on your soul when you display a public demonstration of love for your spouse. Here are some lively and spirited ideas you can use in your marriage.
- Mail an “I love you” card to your spouse at his/her job. Put a coupon for a date night inside.
- Get rid of the kids, and meet your mate at the doorway, with a dinner and soft lighting.
- Husbands, take your wife shopping without sitting on your cell phone or grumbling. Act like you enjoy it and fully participate in her observations without being distracted.
- Put an “I love you” card on his dresser with an intimate coupon inside saying, “Can Be Redeemed at Any Time”. 😊
- Men like flowers too. How about it ladies? In any case, flowers always work at non-birthday or non-anniversary times.
- Welcome your spouse home with a greeting, a hug and a kiss.
- Touch your spouse while speaking.
- Send text messages to your spouse throughout the day (3x is good because is only a short interruption, not a conversation.)
- Saying to your guy, “I love you; I respect you, you’re a good husband, a good protector, a good provider, hunky, strong, you are a great father.” Name specific guy qualities that make him special. Say these things daily whether you feel like saying them or not.
- Saying to your gal, “I love you, I think you’re beautiful, you are a great wife, you are a great mother, you are an excellent housekeeper”. Name her specific traits that make her, her. Say these things daily whether you feel like it or not.
Wooing should be the fun-loving and spirited side of your relationship. It leads into many important concepts. Health, long life, joy, peace, youthfulness, trust, intimacy, etc. Wooing begins to take a lighter view of life and marriage. It can turn into learning to have a sense of humor and rejoicing in the simpler side of life. Solomon commented on this in Ecclesiastes 9:9,
“Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.”
Wooing is agapao love. It is love in action, love in deeds, love in words.
Section 6.2 – QUESTIONS
- Wooing is the opposite of booing. True or False? _______
- Wooing is reassuring to our spouse if it is done right. True or False? _______
- We communicate verbally and non-verbally only when we want to. True or False? __________
- God is Agapao love first, then Agape love second. True or False? _______
Section 6.2 – DISCUSSION
What three suggestions on the previous page would you like to have done to you?
- _________________ 2. ____________________ 3. ____________________________
What three suggestions do you believe that your spouse would like you to do for them?
- _________________ 2. ____________________ 3. ____________________________
Name two suggestions that your spouse does for you now.
- ____________________ 2. ____________________________
Now share your answers. (4 mins)
Do you have some energy for the relationship at the end of your day? (2 min)
- ___________________________________________________________________
- ___________________________________________________________________
What are some of the ways that your spouse has seen your wooing non-verbal communication and responded lovingly and with kindness?
- ___________________________________________________________________
Section 6.3 – INTIMACY; THE HIGHEST FORM OF NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
An online search for the definition of intimacy is as follows:
- Intimacy is a feeling of closeness and connection in a relationship, and it can be defined as the degree of emotional and physical closeness between two people.
- Emotional intimacy: Involves sharing thoughts and feelings and being honest and vulnerable with one other.
- Physical intimacy: Involves physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, and sexual relations.
- Intimacy can also be intellectual, recreational, financial, spiritual, or creative.
Intimacy is the highest form of communication because it touches our souls and our spirit. It is uniquely special, and with the human race only, and is the closest to heaven’s communication pattern that exists. Whether it is intimacy with God, or your spouse, it soars above all the things that are ultimately desired in this life and the next. If intimacy is the very thing that God desires, then the lack of it is the thing that God hates. Look at this quote from Ezekiel 6:9.
“…how I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which played the harlot after their idols…”
When there is no intimacy in marriage, the spouse hates it nearly as much as God hates it. So, it is our deepest desire to be intimate with somebody. The single person feels this, and their desire to be married is to satisfy this desire. But many marriages never mature to intimacy on the level that God has designed us for. Intimacy is non-verbal communication. You can use non-verbal communication by choice to relay your feelings to your spouse. Intimacy is a key component of healthy relationships and is associated with happiness, commitment, and well-being. It naturally can be built over time, and it requires patience and effort from both partners.
Signs of a thriving intimate marriage include feeling safe about being vulnerable, accepting each other with all the imperfections, sharing your thoughts and feelings without fear of rejection or judgment and deep mutual trust. These things take time to develop, and many years until they are realized.
Then there is the loss of intimacy. With involvement with so many marriages, the glaring chief cause of marital intimacy is adultery. This happens both in physical ways and emotional ways. However it happens, the spouse always knows that something has changed. Call it a “gut thing”, but it can be dramatic and painful when a spouse sees the change in non-verbal messages of love disappear. Assuming that stepping out on your spouse has not occurred, here are a few other things that also destroy intimacy.
- Lack of full disclosure about old flames coming back into the picture.
- Hiding credit card spending, or other purchases which your spouse would disapprove of.
- Trips alone.
- Hidden phones and calls that cannot be explained.
- A change in personality or dressing behavior.
- Repeated loss of memory concerning activities of the day.
Now that you are married, we should follow the apostle Paul’s remedy for growth.
In 1 Corinthians 13:11 we read,
“When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.”
Here is list of do’s and don’ts to create the highest level of intimacy.
DO’S | DON’TS | ||
1. | Have your spouse as the ultimate final voice in your decisions | 1. | Don’t share personal family decisions or ask for advice on a family matter. |
2. | Share your positive feelings about your last intimate encounter, likes and dislikes. | 2. | Don’t cut off your spouse from regular (daily) physical attention. Don’t complain about him/her wanting it again. |
3. | Share your feelings about how someone makes you feel uncomfortable, or makes you feel threatened, or as a third wheel. | 3. | Don’t exclude your spouse from conversations when with friends or at parties. Don’t make them feel like they are interrupting. Don’t criticize them in from of friends or relatives. |
4. | Let your spouse know when you are jealous of someone’s attention. | 4. | Don’t flirt with people that you already know your spouse is jealous of. |
5. | Explain yourself. Say where you were, what you did, and what you spent money on. | 5. | Don’t hide things from your spouse. This goes particularly with areas of your life or habits that you want and need help on. |
Section 6.3 – QUESTIONS
- Intimacy is the sexual part of your relationship. True or False? _______
- It’s a good idea not to explain yourself if you can’t think up a good reason. True or False? _______
- You can have emotional intimacy with anyone, as long as it doesn’t include sex. True or False? _______
Section 6.3 – DISCUSSION
What are some of the ways that you can be more intimate with your spouse? List two things (2 min)
- ___________________________________________________________________
- ___________________________________________________________________
Is there one thing that you could ask your spouse to change to improve your intimacy with each other?
- ___________________________________________________________________
Remember, “The family that prays together, stays together.”
Then pray for things that you want. Here are some examples.
- Pray for your marriage and that revival breaks out in your marriage.
- Pray for each other, and the challenges and the struggles that they may be facing.
- Pray for each other’s healing, well-being, and soundness of mind.
- Pray for your children/grandchildren to do well in school, and to be protected from the evil one.
- Pray for your finances to get better, and for more wisdom in your spending habits.
- Pray to be debt-free on your home, cars and credit cards.
- Pray for your country and its leadership.
- Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.
- Pray for your community and your state, that godly representatives are elected.
- Pray for revival.
Section 6.4 – HOMEWORK- LESSON 6
Here is your daily homework to practice as a couple for the next 30 days.
- Pray the Our Father daily together. The family that prays together stays together. Then pray for other things as well.
- Set aside a meeting time three times a day to talk about your day with your spouse. Make it a pattern to follow daily.
- Talk to each other about your love life and develop bonds on a spiritual level.
- Enjoy lovemaking more often and pay attention to the difference in your moods and feelings.
- Also, talk about what changes you both could make to serve God better in your marriage. (This is to be non-confrontational)
- Compliment each other at least 3 times a day.
- Fulfill your marriage duties.
- Tell your spouse daily that you love him/her.
- Practice PDA daily, and let your kids see it!

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