MARRIAGE SEMINAR & WORSHOP – LESSON 4

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Section 4.1 – PRAYER & THE MARRIAGE TRINITY

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.”  Ephesians 6:10-13

Do you want to guess who your enemy is in your marriage? It’s not you or your spouse!  It is the enemy of your souls. Look at part of Satan’s description in Revelation 12:10,

“…for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.”

Satan is a liar and an accuser. Have you ever felt like you were being accused in your marriage relationship, and that it had particular barbs with it?  Some direction and interaction is necessary, but it easily spills over into accusations when arguments get heated and blood pressure rises. Satan will accuse anyone of lying as he is known as the

“father of all lies”. 

So, his lies and deceptions are designed to get you both not get along in your relationship, to not see eye-to-eye, to be in discord, and to not be on the same page. In the Garden of Eden, he pulled this on Eve, before there was sin in the world! In Genesis 3:1-5,

“Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.'” The serpent said to the woman, “You surely will not die! “For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

What a terrible creature! Up until that point, Eve didn’t know what a lie was!  Adam never lied, God never lied, creation itself was trustworthy. She had no training in detecting spiritual warfare in the form of deception! That was not in the travel brochure for Eden. So, the devil will make you believe that the thoughts you have toward your spouse that are divisionary are normal and are a result of what you are seeing and perceiving. This is the reason for the Bible instructing us how to live with others, because of the devil’s influence in the world. In Proverbs 20:3 it says,

“Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel.”

The more you give into your flesh to bickering, quarreling, fault-finding, the less beauty you will find around you and in others close to you. You’ve probably heard the saying, “We hurt those the most that are closest to us”. Your own emotions can deceive you gradually into a series of lies that the enemy has sown into your mouth during stressful occasions.

The solution is not intuitive or even desirable, but prayer is the answer in all these human situations. You should as a couple pray every morning, before breakfast, before any discussions of yesterday or events of the coming day. Before you talk at all, enter into prayer every morning.  If waking at various times prevents you from doing this daily, then have a call in prayer that is without distractions and is not secretly busy with chores, coffee making and children’s needs.  Here is the prayer from Matthew 6:9-13,

“Our Father who is in heaven, hallowed be Your name.

Your kingdom come. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.”

Pray this out loud together.  Every line in this prayer is designed by God to fight your battles for you and to bind the enemy from getting into your head and destroying your future with your spouse.

Then pray for revival in your marriage. This may sound true to you in your current circumstances, but I have found many people resist this prayer. Anger and resentment are a tool of Satan to destroy good that is about to come to you. Because of his deceptions, many do not want to pray that their marriage has revival! Think of it, the person that you have been assigned as a spouse, presumably for the rest of your life, is harder to pray for than a complete stranger in the street.  This ought not to be.

Notice that the first line of the prayer is to invoke God the Father into your day. By putting God the Father first, you begin to order your mind according to God’s design and plan.

Near the end of the Our Father, it says

“but deliver us from evil”. 

This means that we can have the spiritual insight and authority to detect when the devil is attempting to ruin your day or relationships by injecting division and discord into your interactions.  Remember, “any fool will quarrel”.  Don’t let the devil make you out to be a fool. You cannot do this by human strength, it must be spiritual strength to resist, and spiritual insight to see how you or your spouse is being manipulated by the enemy.

Your enemy is not you or your spouse. That is the lie of the devil. And, all liars, because of their exceedingly destructive power to divide and destroy, shall be thrown into the lake of fire with the devil (Revelation 21:8). God created marriage for good, not for evil, so pay attention when any division begins to break out in your mind, your emotions, or your discussions.  Remember what Jesus said in Matthew 5:9, in the Sermon on the Mount,

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

You decide to be the peacemaker in your marriage. Sometimes one person over the other is the provoker of arguments or fights. If that describes you, ask God for deliverance from that evil, and pray that now you become the peacemaker instead.

Again, pray this out loud, “Father, bring revival to my marriage, to our marriage, and fix the things that You see and know need to be changed.  Make us a loving and tender couple again, in Jesus’ name, amen.”

Section 4.1 – QUESTIONS

1. The bible tells us that the devil is the worst liar ever. True or False? _______
2. All conflicts in marriage are instigated by me or my spouse. True or False? _______
3. We tend to think that all the ideas that come into our head come from what we are seeing or experiencing. True or False? _______
4. Man by nature believes that all thoughts are pure and real in their origins. True or False? _______

Section 4.1 – DISCUSSION

Talk about your prayer life with each other and make agreements right now to have daily prayer together and with each other early every day. What can you both agree on is a suitable time and where would be a good place to do it in your home?

1. ___________________________________________________________________________

What disagreements have you had with each other in the past week or month that now looking back seem ridiculous or petty? Discuss two. (3 min)

1. ____________________________________________________________________________
2. ____________________________________________________________________________

Have you noticed that when division breaks out, that it is because of money, children, or fear?  If so, identify that with your spouse right now and ask for prayer for strength and forgiveness. Ask for help and a “tell”, that only you two know about that can signal each other that the enemy is starting something. (3 min)

1. _____________________________________________________________________________

Section 4.2 – STAYING PRIVATE WITH YOUR MARRIAGE

Jesus said in Matthew 19:6,

“What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate”.

Most theologians interpret this verse as a command from God to guard marriages from outside interference. This means that no one, including in-laws, parents, children, or others, should come between a husband and wife.  Again, Jesus stated in Matthew 15:10-11,

“After Jesus called the crowd to Him, He said to them,

‘Hear and understand. It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man.’”

Many times, we are responsible for taking our problems to others to have them convince us that we are right, and our spouse is wrong (about anything). This then invites disturbances between friends and relatives later on, long after we forgot about talking about our marriage to others.  This goes against God’s command, because it brings the outside world into it.  This world has no investment in your spouse or your marriage, so why go to them for advice that might harm you?

Every marriage has a right to privacy. When a person shares intimate details of the behavior, words, and sentiments of their spouse, the first thing that occurs is a break with trust and intimacy.  Spouses often complain to their parents, or their children, confiding intimate marriage details that provide no positive value at all.  It’s often a break in trustworthiness as a spouse and undermines the privacy of your partner.

A marriage is, according to Genesis 2, a new family unit.  In Proverbs 11:13 it says,

“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.”

Your spouse might have issues, but you only provoke others to dislike your spouse when you share their intimate thoughts on anything.  Politics, fear of failure, childhood memories, and just plain human mistakes, that are inherently common in all men (the genesis of man).

God is not a fan of hanging out your dirty laundry for all to see.  Doing so provokes those who hear your words to offer unwanted advice, to take up an offense against your spouse, or to feel persuaded to confront your spouse.  This only serves to divide your marriage and invite others where they are not welcome. 

Then there are the pictures you are painting in others’ minds about your spouse.  We sometimes can make these pictures so vivid and shocking, that they cannot be unremembered or forgotten many years later.  Your side of the family, or your close personal friends may never forgive your spouse, even decades later, even though you have long since forgotten it.

There are of course times when a third party should be brought in, and generally that is by mutual consent.  Marriage counseling or third-party advice can be extremely helpful, as long as it is in a private and confidential setting. 

Here is a word for you, contempt.  Defined, means “the feeling of a person or thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving of scorn”, example; “she showed contempt for her boss by mocking her attire”. Romans 14:10 states,

“But you, why do you judge your brother? Or you again, why do you regard your brother with contempt? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God.”

Contempt is the reason for most of the revealing of marriage and spousal secrets.  Contempt is a sin.  When you are pointing one finger three are pointing directly back at you. Contempt justifies the spouse who wants to be held unaccountable for impolite treatment of their spouse, or negative feelings toward them, or even justifying themselves for stepping out in the marriage.  Contempt then justifies gossiping about a spouse or their family, or the children brought into the new family, from previous relationships.

Lately, you can see marriage partners correcting each other on social platforms, which is an indirect way of fixing a hurt.  Remember, these platforms now have all informed us, saying, you cannot go back and permanently delete anything that you post.  Be careful that you don’t post your personal and private life for everyone to gossip about.

Even when both partners work at keeping third parties out of the marriage business, there are still many other intrusions that can bring division.  Any use of your time, which takes away intimacy, can be an unwanted intrusion into your marriage.  Television, screen time, social platforms, children, family gatherings, work, and even play, can bring unwanted ideas that are of the world.  In Romans 13:7-10 we read,

“Render to all what is due them: tax to whom tax is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honor to whom honor. Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law. For this, “YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, YOU SHALL NOT MURDER, YOU SHALL NOT STEAL, YOU SHALL NOT COVET,” and if there is any other commandment, it is summed up in this saying, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

If we genuinely want to walk in God’s love, but we cannot love our neighbor as ourselves, then how can we expect to understand God’s love for us.  The summation is this, love your spouse and talk well about your spouse in public, and keep your differences to yourself and apart from prying eyes and ears.

Section 4.2 – QUESTIONS

1. Jesus said “what God has joined together let no man separate” is a recommendation. True or False? __________
2. It’s ok to correct your spouse on social media as long as you don’t use their name. True or False? ________
3. The Bible says you can complain about your spouse as long as it is only to other people at church. True or False? _______

Section 4.2 – DISCUSSION

Being honest with yourself, have you ever spoken about your spouse to someone else and later regretted it? (2 min)

1. ___________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________

When you have heard a friend or co-worker complain about their home life, how did that make you feel, and do you still harbor ill thoughts about their spouse?

1. ___________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________

Are you the type of personality that has difficulty talking to your spouse about your feelings?  Does your spouse know this?  Discuss now with your partner.

1. ___________________________________________________________________

 Section 4.3 – RESPECT FOR YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE

Respect of a Spouse is defined online as:

“Respect for a spouse is a simple concept that means treating your partner in a thoughtful and courteous way. It involves holding your spouse in high regard through your actions, words, and behaviors. Respectful behaviors can include:

1. Listening: Listen to your partner’s feelings and needs
2. Valuing: Value your partner’s unique gifts, talents, and contributions
3. Supporting: Support your partner’s interests, hobbies, and career
4. Honoring: Honor your partner’s boundaries and inherent worth
5. Speaking kindly: Speak kindly to and about your partner.
6. Affirming: Affirm and encourage your partner’s uniqueness
7. Expressing disagreement respectfully: Express your disagreement but acknowledge that your partner may have good reasons for their perspective.” 

“Therefore, if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.  Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”  Philippians 2:1-4

Take this!

RESPECT FOR YOUR SPOUSE SURVEY – Answer 1-5, 5 being the best score.

I-DEPENDABILITY. 

1. Are you a dependable spouse?  Can you be trusted to carry out tasks and projects in the time-frame agreed on?  ____________
2. Do you show up on time when expected? ____________
3. Are you where you are supposed to be? ___________

II-SPEECH

1. Do you speak kindly to your spouse (as opposed to insulting language)? _______
2. Do you explain yourself well, or are you leaving out vital details about your experiences? (Costs of spending, contacting people) _______
3. Do you give constructive feedback to questions and comments? _______

III-ACHIEVEMENTS

1. Do you share your achievements with your spouse, including hobbies, goals and personal development? (as opposed to not sharing your day) _______
2. Do you rejoice with your spouse when they receive credit, accomplish a task, or receive any type of promotion, completion of a goal, or an experience? (as opposed to not responding to joy of an event) _______
3. Do you look for small steps of growth in your spouse to compliment them on and encourage them with a positive observation? _______

IV-EXPRESSING GRATITUDE

1. Do you know the words thank you, excuse me and you’re welcome?  On a scale of 1-5, how often do you use these words daily with your spouse, and do you use them more with your spouse than others? _______
2. Do you thank your spouse for the common performance things of, cleaning, laundry, cooking, mowing, etc.?  _______
3. Do you express gratitude to others about your spouse’s accomplishments and small and great victories?  _______

V-LISTENING

1. Are you a good listener, and do you hear the whole statement of what your spouse is attempting to communicate? _______
2. Do you cut off your partner short to talk about how you did/do things, concerning the same subject, or do you let them proceed to finish their statements?  _______
3. Do you overreact when listening, hearing things that were not intended, or are you a clarifier of what was just said?  ______

VI-INTIMACY

1. Are you your spouse’s lover?  Do you kiss regularly, hold hands in public, show public displays of affection around the children and relatives and friends?  _______
2. Are you regularly complimenting your spouse on body-parts, attire, physical attributes and stamina? _______
3. Are you regular at initiating the love signs and indicators?  _______

VII-FORGIVENESS

1. Do you practice the words, I’m sorry and I forgive you?  _______
2. Do you hold grudges for days and weeks, or are you quick to accept an apology?  _______
3. Do you try and work at hearing why your spouse did what they did before expecting an apology? _______

Add up your scores now.  A perfect score is 105 points, average is 63 points.

Have some fun bringing your score up higher and make it a contest at home!

Section 4.4 – HOMEWORK- LESSON 4

Here is your daily homework to practice as a couple for the next 30 days.

1. Pray the Our Father daily together. The family that prays together stays together. Then pray for other things as well.
2. Set aside a meeting time three times a day to talk about your day with your spouse. Make it a pattern to follow daily.
3. Talk to each other about your love life and develop bonds on a spiritual level.
4. Enjoy lovemaking more often and pay attention to the difference in your moods and feelings.
5. Also, talk about what changes you both could make to serve God better in your marriage. (This is to be non-confrontational)
6. Compliment each other at least 3 times a day.
7. Fulfill your marriage duties.
8. Tell your spouse daily that you love him/her.
9. Practice PDA daily, and let your kids see it!